I Don’t Speak Starbucksese

I am not a coffee drinker and never have been. However, I did discover a drink recently at Starbucks that I kind of like and if I have an early meeting or something I will stop and grab a $4.82 “Venti Skim Iced Caramel Macchiato”. Now that’s quite a mouthful. I feel like a complete imbecile saying all of that stuff at the counter especially when I don’t know what a Macchiato is and why they just can’t accept that I just want to say large instead of venti, in addition to the fact that I don’t understand why tall is small and grande is medium when it actually means large. This to me is stupid, but that’s not all.

I don’t know the difference between a Macchiato, a Chai, a Latte, a Mocha, a Frappucino, a Blended Coffee, a Skinny, or a shot (and a shot of what). It is so confusing to go in there and try to figure this stuff out on the fly with everyone else in there is ordering in Starbucksese, which they all seem to speak fluently but I am currently not even proficient. This bothers me.

So I have decided to take the anti-Starbucksese approach to ordering my drink. As I sit here typing this post, sipping on my “Venti Skim Iced Caramel Macchiato”, I have decided to take a stand and never order in Starbucksese again. I will in the future order a large caramel coffee drink with ice-which is exactly what it is. I refuse to partake or attempt to partake in the Starbucksization of America and act like its latte loving robotic customers-some of who shockingly spend $15-$20 a day in Starbucks.

I have to give credit where credit is due and Starbucks has in fact invented a new language which has become a part of mainstream American and global society. Did you know that in a 2 block radius of Grand Central Station in New York City, there are 13 Starbucks-13! Starbucks is also hugely prevalent in Europe and Asia with lines almost as long as they are here in the US. They have also produced a cash cow managing to convince people to pay $3-$5 for a cup of coffee over and over again. Their logo is one of the most recognizable logos around and their stores in smaller towns like the one I grew up in have become the central social meeting place. However, I refuse to become one of the herd.

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  1. Thats funny and you’re right. I won’t pay for Starbucks, I’m a dunkin donuts coffee drinker-I think its better and certainly cheaper.

  2. haha I know you looked like an imbecile too ordering that milkshake, can picture the hands in the air with the grin across your face

  3. I dont drink coffee, but I couldnt agree more.

  4. I suppose its like the grin you get when you see little boys skateboarding around town and you get all giddy that you have a new playmate…besides Starbucks doesn’t sell Cel-Ray soda

  5. cant knock the cel-ray (or any dr. browns soda), it’s a deli classic and the perfect compliment to a nice pastrami sandwich

  6. Starbucks is worse than McDonalds because it goes beyond just providing unhealthy food and drink, it provides a bastion of cafe culture for people to waste time and money and get nothing accomplished.

  7. I hate all the hippies that try to act alternative in their save the world act at Starbucks

  8. Do they have drive thru’s so you can pick up your frothy drink on your roller blades or do you have to go inside?

  9. haha, just because you have absolutely no balance, athleticism or coordination-don’t be knocking rollerblades! And the only thing that’s frothy is that really “sweet” rainbow scarf that you like to sport around London for all the boys to see.

  10. Trust me even if i had the balance i wouldn’t be seen in spandex skating through chelsea sipping starbucks like yourself.

  11. I can picture lee skating down Eighth Ave with a starbucks and then wondering why on earth all these gay men are hitting on him? hmmmmmm….
    Anywho, i say small medium and large at starbucks and they can still get you the drink…they have a conversion chart behind the counter 😉

  12. It really annoys me to order a ‘tall’ drink which in Starbucksese means small, it makes absolutely no sense!

  13. Why stop there? Why order “ramen” when it’s just “noodle soup”? Why say “foie gras” if it’s just “liver paste”? Maybe I’m just saying this because I’ve been drinking Starbucks for a long time now (DD coffee is just way too watered down for my taste) but I think you’re being a little bit harsh on Starbucksese. It’s just the way they happened to label the menu.

  14. I’ll admit to being a Starbucks loving guy, but even I have to question whether we’ve gone too far when I walk out of a Starbucks in Houston near Galleria and see another Starbucks literally across the street. By the way, there is a smaller small than the tall – it’s a short. So tall kinda does make sense. So does Grande if you remember that Venti is actually the Extra Large.

  15. That’s exactly how I feel when I go to Starbucks. Typically I only go if someone has gifted me a gift card. And even then to avoid embarrassment I just order a SMALL (tall) medium roast with room for cream. I can’t get into all that gibberish. I also enjoy a Shaken Passion tea with Lemonade (sweetened)…I always forget how to order it though…why so complicated Bucks of Star?!

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